I used to read this one a lot at open mics. It primarily consists of actual critiques leveled at actual writers, usually by actual magazine editors....I was both a writer and an editor at the time, so I was on both sides of the fence.
The Critic says Confessional Poetry is the earmark of an immature voice!
The Critic says one must avid preaching to the choir!
The Critic pauses, scratches his balls and neglects to make a note of it!
The Critic says your genre parody is unintentional!
The Critic says you might hammer it through his workshop for $300 per weekend!
The Critic says you are suffering from Post-Beat Angst---take two New Yorkers and call him in the morning!
The Critic lists his priorities!
The Critic begs to differ!
The Critic declines to attend the Open Mics as they are notoriously lowbrow and common!
The Critic shows up fashionably late to extravagant functions!
The Critic insists upon a window seat!
The Critic maintains that the lesser poets write about handjobs in pickup trucks because only the lesser poets would give or receive handjobs in pickup trucks!
The Critic says it is crucial to remove all personal experience and pain from one's erotica so that he might retain his erection!
The Critic quickly adds that he is single and attractive!
The Critic produces excrement that is, in fact, transparent, textureless and virtually devoid of odor!
Copyright 1992(?) C.F. Roberts/2015 Molotov Editions
THIS WEEK'S PLAYLIST:
MOTORHEAD-All the Aces
HAWKWIND-Warrior at the Edge of Time